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  1. The hunger pains : a parody / The Harvard Lampoon.
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I pull my boots out from under the bed, the pair my father gave me before he died. Once theyre on, Im ready to go. Im careful not to let the door slam on my way out. Once it closes softly, I open up the mail slot and yell back into the house, Im going hunting! I set off to meet my hunting partner, Carol Handsomestein. The streets of District 12 are eerily empty today. The regular clatter of keyboards and ringing of telephones that usually fills the air has fallen silent as the anxious pall brought by the arrival of Super Fun Day descends over the town like a pillow and duct tape over the face of an unwanted pet.

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The hunger pains : a parody / The Harvard Lampoon.

A man raises the District 12 flag outside his house as I walk by. Its black, like all the flags in merry old Peaceland. In the center, theres a golden telephone. Each district specializes in one industry, and District 12 is the telemarketing district. Along with the other districts, District 12 once rose up in rebellion against the Capital, which is where all the rich and powerful people of Peaceland live. That didnt go too well. In fact, it went horribly.

How horribly? Well, there used to be two hundred districts. Lesson learned. In order to ensure nobody ever forgets that the rebellion failed and the Capital won and they are in charge and blah, blah, blah, each year they make all twelve districts participate in what is called the Hunger Games. Every district selects two kids, one boy and one girl, to represent them in a big.

These two kids are called tributes, which is short for tributary, which is a stream or river that flows into a main stem or parent river or a lake. The Hunger Games arent exactly fun. If Im being totally honest, Id say they suck. Since there are twelve districts, and two tributes from each one, you know there are at least.

All of them are thrown into an arena somewhere in the wilderness where they have to kill one another until theres only one tribute left. And its all televised. Most people TiVo it so they can fast forward to the killing. Now, when they first started, the Hunger Games werent so bad. The Capital gathered all the tributes and televised them doing some pretty fun stuff: softball tournament, relay race, obstacle course, and jumping rope. The main event was a huge hot dogeating contest. Everybody would try to get extra hungry before it began, hence the name Hunger Games.

But after a few years, the tributes got so competitive with one another that the Games turned violent. A punch in the face here, a kick in the crotch theresoon, the tributes were at one anothers throats. And rather than putting a stop to this madness, the Capital encouraged it. After all, it made for great television. So they changed the rules. Instead of fun field games and competitive eating, the Hunger Games became a fight to the death. They still allow softball, but nobodys ever in the mood anymore.

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Super Fun Day is the day every year when each district selects its tributes. Everybody gathers in the public square. The two kids who are last to touch their fingers to their noses become tributes. This is also televised, and most people TiVo it as well. It airs at the same time as Seinfeld reruns. Thats why the streets are so quiet today. Everybody in all of Peaceland has the day off from work for Super Fun Day.

Attendance is mandatory.

The Hunger Pains by The Harvard Lampoon

Anyone who doesnt show up for the announcement risks getting the crap beaten out of them by the Pacemakers, the bunch of elderly Capital thugs who are in charge of each district but are otherwise pretty nice people. I think about all this as I walk toward the woods to meet Carol. Im getting close to where we usually meet. Suddenly, I hear a twig snap from a few feet away. Think fast! My head turns just as an arrow whizzes past my face and lodges in the tree next to my head.

Its Carol. No, you think fast! I say, and stab him in the leg. He pulls out the knife and we laugh so much. Nice one, Catpiss, he says. Thats not my real name. My name is actually Kantkiss. Kantkiss Neverclean. Carol calls me Catpiss because the first time we met, I whispered my name so softly that he misheard me. And I had just slipped in a puddle of cat urine. Ever since, Carol likes to tease me by calling me Catpiss. Unfortunately, I cant think of any way to make fun of his name.

Carol and I have known each other for years. Hes an excellent hunter and hes incredibly good-looking. Even when. I always let him take the first bite of squirrel heart. Together, we hunt for food to feed our families and to trade for supplies in District There is a flourishing black market in District 12, known as the Nob. Shes famous for her soups and for having a full mustache and no teeth. I hunt for my family because my father can no longer provide for us.

Dont worry, its not because hes lazy or anythingits because hes dead. There was an explosion at the telemarketing office where he worked. He had time to call home just one last time, but his body was incinerated before he could finish the sales pitch. I wanted to tell him how much I was going to miss him, that I promised take care of Prin and my mother forever, but he wouldnt stop singing. He was a true telemarketer. All right, lets hunt, Carol says, jolting me back to the present.

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Carol runs his fingers through his hair, and for a moment, I forget that I live in poverty under an authoritarian government and instead feel like Im the luckiest girl alive. We reach the electric fence that separates District 12 from the woods. Because of rolling power outages, its really only electrified for three or four hours each day, so its usually safe to climb over. For this reason, I am grateful for the power outages. Theyre the worst for playing video games, though.

Were not supposed to leave District 12, and doing so carries a severe penalty. Not that they really need to deter people from leaving, considering all the deadly crap out beyond the fence. Mamajams, wagalaks, and even some tuto birds all roam free. But theres also food if you know how to find it. Carol and I dont let fear keep us inside the fence, where wed otherwise waste away to skin and bones in complete and perfect safety.

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District Twelve. Where the safety is good, but other things are less good, I say. One of my many clever maxims.

I step toward the fence. I try to hop over, but my leg gets caught in one of the planks. Dropping down on my belly, I try to shimmy my way under the fence, but I just cant suck in my tummy to get low enough. Im stuck there wriggling between the fence and the ground when Carol grabs my feet and pulls me out. Hes so strong, I think to myself. Next I try running straight through the fence, but that doesnt work either. By now Im pretty dizzy. Finally, I spot a small gate about four feet to my left.

I unlatch the gate, push it open, and walk through to the other side. Carol takes a few steps back and then proceeds to hurdle over the fence. We walk along the fence for about half a mile, ready to hunt. Up ahead, we can see a barn. Carol whispers to me. Description Product Details Click on the cover image above to read some pages of this book! Industry Reviews "The book always falls through my hands, but in an undeniably funny way. In Stock.

Five Give Up the Booze. People Who Used t The Very Hungover Caterpillar. The A to Z of Skateboarding. The Very Hungry Pregnant Lady. Ayoade on Ayoade. Haynes Explains Babies Haynes Explains. About this Item: National Lampoon. Unknown Binding. Light rubbing wear to cover, spine and page edges. Very minimal writing or notations in margins not affecting the text. Possible clean ex-library copy, with their stickers and or stamp s. Seller Inventory More information about this seller Contact this seller 1.

Published by Gallery Books. About this Item: Gallery Books. Condition: GOOD. Spine creases, wear to binding and pages from reading.

May contain limited notes, underlining or highlighting that does affect the text. Accessories such as CD, codes, toys, may not be included. More information about this seller Contact this seller 2. More information about this seller Contact this seller 3. Published by Gallery Books About this Item: Gallery Books, Condition: Fine.

Seller Inventory ZZ1. More information about this seller Contact this seller 4. Condition: Good. Seller Inventory ZZ3.